I promise this is not going to become the Sarah Palin column every week, and I am loath to even pay enough attention to someone so repugnant, but I can’t control my
obsessive-compulsive disorder enough to stop. The fact that she is still in the
limelight, even though she doesn’t hold a government position and
no longer works for a living, is fascinating to me. I guess I’m
bored.

One of my favorite things about Palin is that she seems to think she
is brilliant because she is on Twitter — like every 13-year-old
kid in America isn’t. I wonder if she thinks that when she sends a
message out she’s a “twit.”

The strange thing is that I agree with her. I think she is right for
“tweeting” that Barack Obama’s health plan is “evil” and that it
includes a “death panel” for the unfortunately unhealthy. If fact, I
think he is probably a murderer. Just look at him. After all, he is a
Democrat, and they are all obviously killers. And yeah, he is a total
socialist. Why, he might even be one of them there communists. Dang, he
might even want health care for only the poor people, and we know they
are just along for a free ride, faking illnesses all the time to cost
someone else money. They think they should have access to doctors like
everybody else — the leeches. They are the barnacles on the hulls
of society’s yachts. What are they thinking? That they should be able
to visit a doctor when they are sick or need surgery to stay alive? How
totally absurd is that?

These liberals who want to help the disadvantaged make me sick
enough that I need to see a doctor. Whine, whine, whine is all they do
when it comes to wanting to help the underserved. All they care about
is helping the underdogs. And we all know they are just lazy losers.
Why, if they would get out there and take advantage of all the jobs
that are sitting there waiting for them, the good ol’ U.S. of A.
wouldn’t be in such a financial mess.

And if my own health-care provider didn’t rip off my doctor so badly
maybe he would resume accepting my insurance. But such is not the case.
No, despite the amount of money I pay the insurance company every
month, they don’t seem to want to reimburse my doctor for his services.
Seemingly on whims, they stop paying for certain prescription
medications without any notice.

Naaaaaaaaah. Health care in the United States doesn’t need to
be messed with. And all of you who were in your SUVs and pickup trucks
screaming at Congressman Steve Cohen at his health-care-reform town
hall meeting the other day were right. So right that if you have that
evil, government-run Medicaid, I hope you have calluses on your fingers
from trying to dial the phone as fast and often as you can to cancel it
before the death panels kill you. Just follow Palin’s advice.

In Palin’s case, the difference between a politician and a pit bull
is I.Q., not lipstick. And I think the pit bulls of the world have one
up on her. She might just be a pit bull wearing lipstick, even though
it was a shade that she probably purchased at the Wasilla Walmart.
Sorry, Walmart. I didn’t mean to insult you. I have nothing against you
other than that you have destroyed almost every small-town,
family-owned business in the United States.

But back to the evil Barack Obama’s proposed health-care system. I
think all people in need of health care should pay their own way.
Minimum wage is financially advantageous enough for those who live on
that income to be able to pay for a doctor’s visit, is it not? After
all, we are the leading country of the free world, or so I am told.

Again, and I apologize for repeating myself, I would really like to
spend a weekend at the Palin palace. I could stand all of the
chopped-off animal heads on the walls and the animal fur blankets just
to be able to listen in on their family conversations for a day or two.
Maybe I would find out if Palin and “First Dude” are getting a divorce
or not and find out if that’s the reason she quit her job and started
devoting her life to Twitter. I would love to be at the breakfast table
with her and Bristol and count the number of times they say, “Gosh,
darn.” I would love to walk around asking her if she would like fries
with her tweets. I wonder if she now calls her hubby “tweeheart.” I
certainly hope she does.